Sermon from June 16, 2002
We have friends in Dallas, who own a ranch in central Texas. Last month, they invited our family to spend a day with them at their ranch. Our children and grandchildren rode horses and ATVs. We saw his goats and llamas. We couldn't find the donkeys, including a newborn foal. We saw the natural gas pumps. We sat on the porch and talked and ate and let the world go by.

In his barn he posted any number of signs that range from "Life is too short to live in Dallas" to the mildly blasphemous - "On earth, as it is in Texas." One sign caught my eye, because it was relevant to this sermon. It hung over by the harnesses and said the following.

"Wanted: a good woman. Must be able to sew and cook and skin and gut and shovel out the stalls. Must have good horse and saddle. Send photo of horse and saddle." I think it deserves to hang in the corporate offices of the National Organization of Women. I don't say that to be mean. Think for a minute about what it says.

We with our eastern refinement might think that it is a man's work to skin and guy and shovel out the stalls. The Texas cowboy saw his woman in more egalitarian terms. She could share the work, even the tough work of ranching. That good woman must also have a good horse and saddle. In other words, she must have economic means independent of her man that she would bring to the relationship. And then there is the request for a photgraph. The photo flatters the woman by not treating her as a sex obect but as a serious partner in the work of a lifetime. What's not to like about that sign, except, maybe, the hard work it implies.

The more I thought about that sign, the more I wondered if city life had gotten the relationship between the sexes all wrong. Maybe feminism has just been trying to restore something that we lost in the Industrial Revolution. I still don't think NOW would like the sign, but a sense of humor has never been a strong point with them, and it is even less so now that they are part of the westablishment.

Be that as it may, it seems to me that viewing each other as serious partners in the work of a lifetime characterizes marriages in this congregation more and more. You may recall that late last winter I asked about two dozen women to tell me what they wish their husbands knew about women, or what they wished their husbands would do to make their marriages a happier experience. I also asked an equal number of men to tell me the same about their wives.

Both did so with openness, not to say bluntness, and with obvious respect. But no one brought up issues that we have come to think of as a feminist agenda. I suspect that no one did, because most marriages in this congregation truly seek to address the legitimate issues that the Women's Movement has brought to our attention.

The issues that you said matter to you cannot be addressed by a political movement of women or of men. You, who spoke your mind to me, put into words issues, which, if properly addressed, can deepen marital intimacy and satisfaction. They can only be properly addressed by the man and woman who have vowed to make this awesome journey through life together.

In my two sermons that broker these issues for our consideration together, I want us to hear what men and women say to each other. On Mother's Day we tried to hear what women wanted their men to know about them. Today, we try to hear what men want their women to know about them. I also want us to hear both within a biblical context.

So, we begin with the New Testament exhortation that is easiest to remember and the hardest to learn. That exhortation says, Love one another. Christian love means intending and (where possible) for the sake of Christ doing what is best for the other person, regardless of who the person is or what it costs me or what I get for my efforts. Such love distinguishes our calling in Christ. That calling applies to marriage, the most basic of all human relationships. As an old proverb puts it, "Charity begins at home," I think Christians are more aware that marriage is not a relationship that works on automatic pilot. We are going to have to be more intentional before God and with each other about how we seek to embody  Christian love into the drama of marriage.

But here is the rub. Marriage is a catch basin for small things. As another proverb puts it, the devil is in the details. It is the little things that weasel their way into our hearts and create the splendid affection that exists between so many husbands and wives. It is little things that go bad and accumulate over the years that take the joy out of marriage.

Christian love has also to do with big things. The coming of the Creator into our world with our human nature is a big thing. Promising in the presence of the Creator to love, keep, honor, and comfort each other as long as you both shall live - that is a big thing. Big things give the small things their dignity and sense of large purpose, but the little things determine how well or even if people will keep that large promise of lifelong fidelity to each other.

So, remembering the interplay between the overarching realities and the day to day realities, let's begin this Odyssey through the Straits of Manhood. The Old Testament Book of 2 Samuel offers context in which to consider the first concern of the men I heard from. It is a very important concern of most Christian men in their relationship with their wives. Look with me at 2 Samuel 11:1ff.

In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war (it sounds like spring training for soldiers) , David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem. Without comment the writer indirectly raises the question of why King David was not doing what other kings were doing. Why was he not at the battlefront?

Verse 2: One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of thepalace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful. We had better try to understand what is going on here. First, what David experienced initially at the sight of Bathesheba was not evil. Every man here knows exactly what David experienced at the sight of Bathsheba. God made a man to respond exactly that way to the beauty that God fired into a woman. He can no more prevent that response than you fail to blink, when an eyelash gets into your eye.

Many men wish their wives understood this about them, but they find it hard to talk about. The power of the experience and the fear of being misunderstood can tie even an articulate man's tongue into silence.

That brings me to a second observation about this powerful experience. It is so powerful that many men themselves may at times feel embarrassed by it, and some men think it is evil or at least dangerous to feel that way. Two famous passages in Holy Scripture may add to the discomfort of Christian men. Job 31:1 says, I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. Jesus put the matter on the line when He said in Matthew 5:28, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heard."

Men are right when they feel the danger of their experience. If King David's first response to Bathsheba was normal and inescapable, his next response was preventable and therefore evil. David found out who she was, and verse four says, Then David sent messengers to get her. she came to him, and he slept with her. What David experienced initially at the sight of Bathsheba obeyed the nature God created him to have, but the lustful way David acted on what he experienced was evil. It takes another twelve chapters to chronicle the years of misery that came from David's act.

Christian men know that their powerful response to an attractive woman can quickly take a nasty turn right inside their fantasies. At that point for many of us a significant battle begins with our souls. Popular entertainment, the women's fashion industry, pornography, and, most of all, the evil in our own hearts make the battle difficult at times. We live in an erotically charged society, and to one degree or another most Christan men routinely battle to honor God with their minds and actions.

Many men wish their wives understood this spiritual battle within tem and would pray for them and understand that having this battle does not mean they want another woman. They want to stay faithful to their marriage, and they want you to know that most of us are winning that battle; but they also want you to know that winning that battle costs them more personal anguish than you might think.

But, men, I have to say this too. Indulging in pornography does not make the battle any easier for us, and it undermines the self-esteem of our wives and puts up barriers between you and her that can undermine the intimacy that you and she need. The Internet has become an especially destructive tool in the enemy's hands. Wives, your husbands need your prayers for protection from pornography. Men, we need to talk to each other and pray for each other about this temptation. We need to overcome it. We can overcome it hrough Christ, who gives us strength.

Philippians 4:13 says, I can do everything through him who gives me strength. 1 Corinthians 10:13 promises: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Men also need to know that flirting with other women, gawking at other women, and ignoring the way our wives are wired for love-making make the spiritual battle inside us more difficult and make intimacy in marriage more distant than ever.

All this requires something else from men that we find it hard to give, and that brings me to a second major area that men want their wives to know about them. Men express something so common here and in the same words that a suspicious woman might think that men met weekly to agree on them. No such conspiracy exists. The universality of this need points to reality that a woman ignores at significant risk to her own happiness and to the happiness of the man she loves. In a nutshell men say, "It is hard for me to tell you how I feel."

Proverbs 20:5 says, The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a (wo)man of understanding draws them out. May I offer you women a strategy for drawing out what we men cannot always easily let out. It has three ingredients. Number one, don't assume something is wrong with the relationship just because we cannot tell you readily how we feel. It really is hard for us to do that. Acknowledge the reality and trust God that this difference between us can be overcome.

Number two, walk softly when you ask us to tell you what is going on inside us. A little known truth about men is that we get our feelings hurt easily, and no one can hurt us faster than you, if you say to us in a cutting way, "what's wrong with you, you dummy? Why don't you just tell me what you are thinking? What's so hard about that?" Remember, most men fear conflict, and a harsh accusation may reinforce that fear, and then the drawbridge stays up tighter than ever.

Number three, when something significant emerges from our subterranean depths, tell us how much it means to you; and if what we say helps you in some concrete way, tell us. Don't be too eager in your praise; it can frighten us off, but hearing helps.

Finally, a third theme came from the strange world of Manhood, and it says, "Let's make our home a magnet that draws us back to each other through the years." Several years ago, I heard about a book called When Home is Work and Work is Home. It can be equally true of women, but it is more frequently true of men that they get more satisfaction from their job than from their home. None of the men, who wrot to me, said that was true of them. That speaks well of you wives.

However, when they told me what would make their home more of a magnet, they became amazingly articulate and specific; so specific in fact that I cannot quote them for fear of violating my promise to keep ocnfidential what they told me. When both you and your husband feel calm and secure, you might ask him to tell you or write you in a note one thing that he thinks you could do to make your home a more powerful magnet. When you hear what he thinks, be careful what you say. Maybe you should say nothing. Just say thanks and, like the Virgin Mary upon receiving the angel's message, ponder what he says in your heart until you know what action you need to take.

Men, who had rather be home, nevertheless spend many hours and much of their energy on the job. It is not easy to be in the workplace today. It can make men mean, short-tempered and less communicative than usual. If you both leave home for work, you have to work together that much more to make the magnet strong.

Without doubt, you, sweet wife, are the most powerful magnet that draws your husband home. Charlie Rich, a country and western singer, recorded a great song a few years ago called Behind Closed Doors. "When we get behind closed doors, and you let your hair hang down, then I am glad that I'm a man."

You are the one he wants in bed with him, and he wants to know that love-making is good for you too, and he wants you to tell him it's good. But for all the erotic fireworks that go on inside marriage, you yourself are the most powerful magnet to draw your husband home because of your godliness and wisdom and discretion and intelligence and, in the long run most of all, because you giv him, you are yourself, a safe and comfortable place where he can escape from the nonsense outside. And there is a lot of nonsense in the workplace.

You understand what is at stake in all this? Certainly, it will contribute to our marital happiness. Certainly, it will model something that our children need to see. Above all, this is what it means to be holy. Husband and wife are a sacramental representation of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church. And, women, you represent the Church of Jesus Christ in this relationship. Big shoes for small feet to fill. He did not consult you about that. He just put the shoes in the closet and said to wear them. May you wear them well and so bear witness to the surpremacy of Christ and so honor the man who sired or will sire your children.