Sermon from May 26, 2002
Several years ago, Dr. Urie Bronfenbrenner of Cornell University wrote an article in Scientific American (August, 1974) in which he reported a study on parenting. One of his conclusions came in these words.

"The demands of a job that claims mealtimes, evenings and weekends as well as days; the trips and moves necessary to get ahead or simply to hold one's own; the increasing time spent commuting, entertaining, going out, meeting social and community obligations - all these produce a situation in which a child often spends more time with a babysitter than with a participating parent," (54).

He gives one of the outcomes of a study that justifies that conclusion. He wrote "Compare ... the results of a study of middle class fathers who told university interviewers that they were spending an average of 15-20 minutes a day playing with their one year old infants with another study in which the father's voice was actually recorded by means of a microphone attached to the infant's shirt. The datta indicate that fathers spend relatively little time interacting with their infants. The mean umber of interations per day was 2.7, and the average number of seconds per day was 37.7" (ibid).

In other words the fathers in that study averaged about 13 seconds per contact with their one-year-olds, and they averaged three contacts per day. We cannot call that quality time.

A couple of decades ago, Harry Chapin sang a song called "The Cat's in the Cradle." He caught the emotion of what Bronfenbrenner had quantified by his research.

A child arrived just the other day.
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talking 'fore I knew it,
And as he grew, he'd say,
"I'm gonna be like you, dad,
You know, I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle
And the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon.
"When you comin' home, dad?"
"I don't know when, but we'll get together then.
You know, we'll have a good time then."

My boy turned ten just the other day.
He said, "Thanks for the ballbat. C'mon, let's play.
Can you teach me to throw?"
I said, "Not today. I got a lot to do."
He said, "That's okay." And then he walked away.
But his smile never dimmed and He said,
"I'm gonna be like him, yeah!
You know, I'm gonna be like him."

Well he came from college just the other day.
So much like a man, I just had to say,
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and then said with a smile,
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later, can I have them please?"

I've long since retired. My son has moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you, if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to dad, if I can find the time.
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's with the flue.
But it's sure nice talking to you;
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me:
He'd grown up just like me. My boy was just like me.

The apostle did not miss the mark, when he wrote in Ephesians 6:4, Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I do not say this to make you busy dads and moms feel guilty. That would be taking a cheap shot at your emotions. On the contrary, my purpose is to recognize your immense value as a parent and to give voice to the support that you will find here for the noble and difficult task of nurturing a human being from conception to Commencement and beyond.

As part of giving voice to that support, I want to use today's sermon as an occasion to encourage you in your calling as Christian parents. I doubt that I will tell you anything you do not already know. Most of the time, we just need reassurance that we are on the right track, and now and again it really helps if some fresh idea gets us over a hard spot with our children. To this end I would like to offer seven encouragements to a congregation ofp arents whom I greatly admire for your faithful efforts at rearing children amid pressures that can at times become almost unbearable.

First, don't let "The Cat's in the Cradle" intimidate you. There is a biblical proverb that you might have missed. Provers 18:17 says, The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him. Chapin's song offers a reminder of one of the risks of rearing children, and if that is all we hear, it might make us think we are failures. But there is another side.

Chapin's powerful lyrics offer absolutely no help in how to handle the time pressures you live under and how to give your children what they need from you. The dangers are real, but let me offer some observations about time that may help you cope better with those pressures, which will not go away, and also give youperspective that balances what Chapin sang about.

Knowledge workers, like most of you, are not the first people on earth to spend a lot of time "at the office." My parents grew up on a farm, and I have had farmers as friends and parishioners. Caring for animals and crops exacts long, long days away from their children. Children have always had limited time with their fathers. Time is not the enemy of good parenting. Priorities are always the enemy of good parenting.

A pastor whom I admire is Dr. Tony Evans of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship Church in Dallas. It is a 6,000 member church with a wide range of ministries. Dr. Evans speaks and travels widely, and he has four children and two grandchildren. He recently remodeled what it means to have your priorities straight.

In November, 2000, George W. Bush called Tony Evans. While they were takling, Dr. Evans' secretary came in with a note that one of his family was on another line. He said to George Bush, "'Governor, President-elect, I think, would you hold the line? I'll be right back,'" (Tony Evans, Veritas, "Turning the Key to Spiritual Power"). The governor didn't have to hold long, of course, but what do you think Pastor Evans' family felt, when they learned he had put the next president on hold to talk to them?

What I am trying to tell you is that judging from your children, you are doing a credible job with your priorities. I know it is not easy. You don't want to travel so much or work so late so often, but imperfect as it is, you are doing something right. Keep it up. Do it better. Say often and show in substantial ways that you love your spouse and kids more than any other earthly treasure. They will cut you plenty of slack.

Here is a second encouragement. Keep your voice down. Proverbs 15:1 says, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Again, let's put this Biblical principle in perspective. Children are a pain in the butt a lot of the time. They whine. They are unreasonable. For years they take from you far more than they can give. They exhaust you, frustrate you, embarrass you, spend your money, interrupt your privacy and refuse your accumulated wisdom. The wonder ist hat parents don't get more harsh more often than they do.

Once secret to a gentle voice is to remember how many good things children bring to a family. Don't let exasperating moments now. In other words, don't take childhood behavior personally. Children do not mean it personally. Childhood and adolescence are not always exasperating. They offer many tender and joyful memories.

I'll never forget, 20 years ago, we were traveling from Roanoke to the Yogi Bear Campground near Williamsburg. David was 15, Kristen was 12, and Joy was 3. They were sitting in the back seat together - far too close for such a long trip - and things began to get out of hand. I was frustrated, Carole was trying to maintain control, and Joy was feeling unjustly accused of being the perpetrator of the developing mayhem in the backseat.

Finally, Joy burst out in tears and a heartfelt lament, "Where can I go to be bad?" It was so completely unexpected and incongruous that we all, including Joy, dissolved in laughter. Anger and frustration dissipated, and the rest of the trip went amazingly well, courtesy of the unbought grace of life that emanated from a small child.

Third, try to give your children reasons for what you ask them to do. Listen to the advice of the wise man in Proverbs 4:1-2.

Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.
I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.

A significant part of parental instruction is answering a child's questions. Carole and I have dear friends in Portland, OR, who have an amazing gift of hospitality. Joe is a genius. He was, among other things, one of the inventors of the Cray computer at Cal Tech. He and Inge also taught a second grade Sunday School class in our church.

One day, a child walked out of that class and asked Joe a simple question, such as, "Why does water gather in little bubbles on the table?" Joe responded with an answer that was worthy of a college physics class. Joe was dead serious; the child didn't understand a word; and they became fast friends, because - I have to believe - Joe's answer made it clear that he took his young friend with utmost seriousness.

The problem with children's questions is that they come at the wrong time. You are too tired. Another major issue demands your attention. You feel like the child is challenging your authority. There are times when parents just need to say to their children, "I'll tell you why you have to do it. Because I said so." The less we do that and the more we explain our reasons, the better we prepare them for the day when they will face far more difficult questions without our help. They will know it is okay to ask, and they will have experience that teaches them to look for wise answers.

Fourth, don't be intimated by adolescent peer pressure. Look at Proverbs 9. In this brief chapter Solomon personifies Wisdom and Folly as two women. Both women build a house right in the thick of life, and each invites people to come to her house and learn what she has to teach. Each says, Wisdom in verse 4 and Folly in verse 16, "Let all who are simple come in here!" she says to those who lack judgment. It is scripture's powerful reminder that wisdom and folly have equal and easy access to us, and both offer us an interpretation of life.

But in verse 11 wisdom promises, "Through me your days will be many, and years will be added to your life." Folly shows her true colors in verse 17: "Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious." Verse 18's conclusion about Folly says, Her guests are in the depths of the grave.

Peer pressure on an adolescent can at times carry wisdom, and we know that all too often carries great folly. Adolescents do not always have the power to know the difference. Parents feel that peer pressure when their teenagers justify what they want to do by saying, "Everybody is doing that." That immediately puts a guilt trip on parents. It implies that parents obviously don't have a clue about what is really going on in middle and high school, and, therefore, the only recourse is either a display of raw parental power or else to give in to the request.

It is always important to remember that everybody is not doing it. When teenage students say that, they always mean that someone whose esteem they cherish is doing that, and they don't want to be left out. "Do you know whose esteem your son or daughter cherishes? Do you know your children's friends?" Your decision is always a judgment call. There are times when giving in is the best thing to do. Not every battle is worth a fight. There are times when you don't give in. Then, your soft voice and patient explanations and perhaps your ability to bear abuse become crucial.

Parents have two reinforcements in this challenging situation. One is the church. Do your teenagers have a set of close friends who are connected to what is goin gon inthe BVBC student ministry? If they do, you will feel much better about those times when you give in to their requests, because you know the peer pressure has a better chance of reinforcing the values you want your child to have.

Your other resource is other parents. Do you ever talk to other parents? Teenagers talk to each other about us all the time. We do well to find some parental security in numbers as well. We are supposed to be the experienced ones. In any case the voice of Wisdom must speak through us to these treasures whom God has entrusted to us.

Fifth, tell your child the truth about trust. Proverbs 5:23 says of the ungodly, He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly. The discipline I have in mind is a discipline of mind and will from mom and dad, which will introduce discipline to the soul of our child and help protect that child from folly.

When our older daughter graduated from high school, the senior prom was a big deal. After the prom, she informed me, a group of students wanted to drive to the Oregon Coast for the rest of the night and come home the next day. She offered any number of plausible reasons why this was a good idea. Carole and I talked about it and agreed that she should not do it.

It upset her, and she said, "You don't trust me." That is a moment of truth for all parents. If we say, "Oh, but I do trust you," then our son or daughter has reason to say, "So, why can't I go, if you trust me?" What we are unwilling to say is what we need to say. "I think you are a very trustworthy person, and I am proud of you. In this particular sitution I do not trust you. It offers too many possibilities that you might not be able to handle. I could not be trusted in that situation, when I was your age. I can't let you do it. You have to trust me on this one." Your teenager may not leap for joy at the news, but he or she will know you are not being capricious. Years later, they may even thank you.

Sixth, have a good marriage. Not a perfect marriage, a good marriage. If not a good marriage, an enduring marriage. Money cannot buy what that gives to a child. We are working on that in this series on Family Matters.

Seventh, communicate the joy of your faith to your children. We sometimes talk about our faith and the church with all the enthusiasm with which we face major surgery. Children catch that kind of attitude and remember it long after they forget what we say to them.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says, These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Is your faith in Jesus Christ and your love for His people genuine and growing? If so, they will be contagious to your children.

Life, like baseball, ain't over till it's over. It rushes relentlessly to engage us every minute of every day. Don't burn bridges with your children. They will need you later, and they will be more likely to turn to you, if they don't have to lose face to come home. You will almost certainly need them some day. Leave the light on.

The most moving picture of God in the Bible is the Father in the story of the prodigal son. The prodigal came to himself and returned home from his riotous living. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Be like your Father in heaven. Keep your eye on the road and your compassion fresh. Who knows who may come walking over the hill some day, coming home?