Sermon from May 12, 2002
The other day, I heard the following story about a husband and wife. She said to him when he walked in the door, "I went to see my doctor today."

Her husband replied, "How is he?" It was not a good start to their conversation. It is a great start to our conversation in which we give the woman in my story a chance to tell us how she responds to her husband's statement.

I mean to say that I have made a deliberate effort to listen to how women at BVBC respond to their husbands. I have not heard from all 400-500 adult women here, but I did ask about two dozen women to tell me what they wish their husbands knew about women, or what they wished their husbands would do to make their marriages a happier experience.

In an act of pastoral justice I asked an equal number of men to tell me what they wish their wives knew about men, or what they wished their wives would do to make their marriages a happier experience.

I promised to protect the privacy of each person. I did that by asking that the responses be anonymous, and I have done it by incorporating into two sermons only the most frequently occurring issues and by removing any distinguishing features of language or examples.

The results were rewarding. Men and women spoke with openness, not to say bluntness, about their spouses. They also spoke with obvious resepct. If we could get the husband and wife in my opening anecdote to speak to each other with such open respect, we could be much more hopeful about the evening that lay ahead of them and the years of marriage that lay ahead of them.

If you don't think I do justice to the matter at hand, that is because I may not do justice to the matter at hand. Two thirty-minute sermons cannot possibly cover the scope of the issues that you raised by what you wrote. However, two thirty-minute sermons can have strategic success. That is, I believe that they can put into words issues, which, if properly addressed, can deepen marital intimacy and satisfaction.

So, today, Mother's Day, I want to talk about what women want their men to know about them. On Father's Day, June 16, I want to talk about what men want their women to know about them. In both cases I want us to hear what each says within a biblical context.

Christian loves means intending and (where possible) for the sake of Christ doing what is best for the other person, regardless of who the person is or what I get for my efforts or what it costs me. That distinguishes our calling in Christ. That calling applies to marriage, the most basic of all human relationships. As an old proverb puts it, "Charity begins at home." I think Christians are more aware that marriage is not a relationship that works on automatic pilot. We are going to have to be more intentional before God and with each other about how we seek to embody Christian love in the drama of our marriages.

But here is the rub. Marriage is a catch basin for small things. It is the little things that weasel their way into our hearts and create the splendid affection that exists between so many husbands and wives. It is also the little things that go bad and accumulate over the years that take the joy out of marriage.

Christian love has also to do with big things. The coming of the Creator into our world in our human nature is a big thing. Promising in the presence of the Creator to love, keep, honor, and comfort each other as long as you both shall live is a big thing. The big things give small things their dignity and sense of large purpose.

However, as another proverb puts it, the devil is in the details. I think most men would lay down their lives for their wives, but they won't pick up after themselves. The little things determine how well or even if people will keep their large and mutual promise of lifelong fidelity to each other. The husband's insensitivity to his wife's appoint with the doctor is comic – by itself. Ten years of that kind of thing is tragic.

So, let's begin this Odyssey through the Straits of Womanhood. The Book of Proverbs offers context in which to hear first what may be the overriding concern of the women I heard from. It may be the overriding concern of most women about their marriage. Proverbs 30:21-23 says this.

Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up:
(and I will stop with number three, for it brings us to the point;)
a servant who becomes king,
a fool who is full of food,
an unloved woman who is married.

Let it be said at once: No woman that spoke her mind to me said that she felt unloved. But running through nearly every response was a question, sometimes expressed, more often implied, whose answer will tell a woman whether she is truly loved by the man in her life. Women want to know from their men, "Is this marriage a priority to you?"

Behind all the observations, all the suggestions, all the laments, like the unseen producer of the movie or the unseen genetic code that governs the color of your hair and the shape of your nose, this question to their husbands governs the hopes and fears of many wives for their marriage: "Is this marriage a priority to you?"

It may take many years for the answer to this question to become clear, but if it becomes clear to her that his answer is, "No," then, swiftly or slowly, the terrible thought begins to trouble her, "He does not love me," and the earth trembles beneath their feet.

I say again: it may take many years for the answer to this question to become clear. Do not jump to conclusions. A man's failure to say the marriage is a priority to him is almost never a decisive indication of his true heart. And, men, if we say the marriage is a priority to us, we have to demonstrate its priority in many ways over many years. But if we want to know the woman we love, we need to know that she wants to know, "Is this marriage a priority to you?"

As part of the mystery of marriage, women may look for answers to this profound question in many places. A mismatch in the mystery of mated love can make her search for answers a most subtle and tricky affair. You can see this from a second dominant theme that I heard from the women who spoke their mind to me.

Proverbs 15:23 says, A man finds joy in giving an apt reply – and how good is a timely word! And women say, "I wish my man would find a lot more joy with me and utter even untimely words." In short, women saw that men would make marriage a more happy experience "if they would just talk to me." There is a variation on that which says, "If they would just listen to me." Those two statements may amount to the same thing. It is hard to show you are listening if you say nothing, and it hard to have a meaningful conversation, if the other person does not think you are listening.

For example, there was a time and times and many times when I came home from a three or four hour meeting, and Carole would say to me, "How was the meeting?" I would reply, "Fine." "And what did you do?" "Oh, nothing."

She for her part, very properly, wondered if the entire meeting was secret, or if I was just dumb. I for my part did not want to relive the last three hours. I already did that; I don't want to do it again. It was many years before I found a way to balance her need to know with my need to move on.

Men are very quick to feel, if they are not very quick to say, that women should not interpret their failure to talk as a failure to care. Therein lies the mismatch that mars marital bliss for many couples. Therein lies the importance of the variation that says, "Just listen to me. Don't humor me. Listen to me as if what I say matters. Try to understand why it matters to me." What men often view as nagging may only be a woman's need for reassurance that their relationship is okay.

We who vowed before God to love and cherish each other cannot remain content with a sullen standoff over this matter. There has to be a way of mutual satisfaction here. Without diminishing a woman's share  of the responsibility, men must remember that talking and listening are major ways of demonstrating that the marriage is a priority.

A third message from the mysterious land of Womanhood is closely related to the piece about communication. In this connection Proverbs 11:24 helps us men to receive this third message in a fruitful way. It says, One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. There is a generosity with money, but there is another generosity of praise.

The third message from our wives appeals to this generosity of one's praise. It says, "Little things mean more to me than you can imagine." At the top of the list is a woman's sense that her husband appreciates her. If ever the power of small things made itself felt, it is here. Wives express something here so common and in the same words that a suspicious man might think that women met weekly to agree on them. No such conspiracy exists. The universality of these needs points to a reality that a man ignores to the great detriment of the happiness of the woman he loves. Here are some samples.

 I wish my husband would "help out around the house." I wish he would "help clean up the kitchen after dinner or pay the bills .. or put a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper holder."

"I wish he would acknowledge the many things I do and the sacrificies I make. I wish he would tell me, and help me to believe, that I am a good wife and mother."

"I want him to be able to show me non-sexual affection without needing to turn it into something sexual ... I want him to see me up all night with a sick kid and then get up in the morning with the kid so I can sleep."

"My husband could be more attentive to the little details around the house that need to be completed. He could have some surprises such as (an) unexpected small gift."

"I wish my husband would say, 'Thank you,' more often for the little things I do for him. I wish my husband would hug and hold me more."

I suspect that issues like these are the occasion for more conflict and unhappiness than we imagine. For most women they touch her sense of worth deeply. For a husband to withhold the gratification of these needs is to impoverish his wife and his marriage.

Here is a final message that women want their husbands to hear. "Be a spiritual leader in our home." And you women need to know that those words strike anxiety deep into the heart of most men, primarily becase we do not know what is expected of us. Guys, let me give you several achievable ways you can be a spiritual leader in your home.

First, pray with your wife on some routine basis, and let it be your idea. Don't try to impress her or God; just talk to God in a respectful way. It can be short. If you need words, then read your prayers.

Second, if you have children, take the initiative in getting the children to church, especially when they don't want to go, and do it without raising your voice. Let your children know that getting to church is a priority in your life as well as in their mother's life. They already know that about her. They need to know about us too.

Third, tell your wife, if your faith has caused you to make a decision or take a stand with your peers that is not popular. She will be your greatest supporter; she will pray for you; and your spiritual leadership will have substance in her eyes.

These four messages do not exhaust all that women said to me, but I believe they do justice to some major concerns. In some ways it should have been easier for us men, if they had given us mountains to climb or rivers to cross or flames to defy. They have given us something more difficult. They have given us important truth about themselves. This truth about them is not the whole truth about the relationship. For that we will need important truth about us men. We will put that into the mix in a few weeks. In the meantime how shall we respond to what they have told us matters to them?

First, each man needs to ask himself this question: is my wife persuaded that our marriage is a priority to me? You may or may not want to ask your wife that question. If you do, just listen to what she says, say nothing, and like the Virgin Mary upon receiving the angel's message, ponder what she says in your heart until you know what action you need to take. The details will be unique to your marriage, but the issue is universal and central.

Second, let's do something specific this week. Don't wait. Don't just promise to do something. Do something. It may only be one thing we do. Let's not just do what would please us; let's act this week to do something that speaks unmistakably to what women have told us matters to them. Don't be surprised if you don't get it exactly right. Every good marriage entails a lot of trial and error. And, you women, if we don't get it right, cut us some slack. Don't belittle us. We have tenderer feelings than you think.

Third, dedicate at least thirty minutes in the next seven days to do something together, no children and no family allowed, that you both think is fun and that gets you out of the house. And, men, let's be the one to initiate the idea, even if what we finally decide to do is her suggestion. There are three rules for this sort of thing. Keep it simple. Do it again soon. Don't letting getting out of the house make you angry.

You understand what is at stake in all this? Certainly, it will contribute to our marital happiness. Certainly, it will model something that our children need to see. Certainly, it will affect our prayers. 1 Peter 3:7 says, Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect ... so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Above all, this is what it means to be holy. We are a sacramental representation of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church. And, men, we represent Jesus Christ in this relationship. Big shoes for small feet to fill. He did not consult us about that. He just put the shoes in the closet and said to wear them. Let us wear them honorably and so bear witness to the supremacy of Christ and honor the women who bore our children.