Sermon from April 28, 2002
Many years ago, I learned that a Christian man (no one here) was about to leave his wife and children for another woman. I don't remember what the children knew at the time, but the woman told me what was going on and may have asked me to meet with her husband. Whether she asked or not, I arranged to meet him for lunch.

I hate meetings like that, because I start at a terrible disadvantage. Whatever misery caused their marriage to unravel, it had never been addressed constructively. I don't know that they had ever involved anyone else in their troubles. I entered the picture perhaps years after the man had decided to give up on the marriage. I did not know the history. I had no particular leverage with this man. I appealed to the only motivation that I thought we might have in common and might also cause him to reconsider his actions.

I said to him, "You are a Christian man. You have a calling to honor Jesus Christ with your life, and He will hold you accountable some day for breaking your marriage vows. Won't you reconsider what you are doing?"

He did not get angry, and I will never forget his answer. He said, "Well, I've got to say, that's a different approach. But, no, I'm not going to change my mind." We spent an hour together, but we never got beyond that impasse.

His refusal jolted me. If his relationship with Jesus Christ did not motivate him to look for some way to keep his marriage vows, then what motivated him? Even more pressing was the question, "Why did his relationship to Jesus Christ have so little influence over the great decisions of his life?"

Here was a Christian man, a church member, a church officer, and at the supreme crisis of his marriage his faith had no voice at the table. Was his profession of faith a charade? Did powerful, internal forces deprive his faith of all influence, or had his faith never been more than a casual observer at the great decisions in his life?

Looking back on that conversation, I have a pastoral and a personal reflection. As a pastor, I ask you, who will be my joy and reward at the coming of Christ, does your faith have a voice at the table of the great decisions of your life?

I am less naïve about Christian people than I was at that long ago lunch, but I refuse to become cynical about human beings. In a world of partial knowledge, great evil and uncertain hope, I will seek always to hope for the best in you. I will call you to higher aspirations than the world offers. I aim to take your heart captive for Christ.

On a personal note, I look back on that difficult and disappointing luncheon and said in the words of Richard Baxter, "There but for the grace of God goes Bo Matthews." I might ask, "Why him and not me?" My marriage is not good, because I am inherently a better man than he is. Are my motives for marriage unshakably pure? Am I never challenged by baser motives? Did that man face a set of domestic circumstances far more cruelly difficult than any I have ever faced?

The Scripture says, Brothers, if someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Gal. 6:1). Perhaps it is this sense of vulnerability to failure that makes me feel unworthy of having a good marriage. I really don't know why he should fail and I should not. There is a mystery of good and evil at work here, which I cannot fathom.

What I know is that Jesus says of marriage, "What God has joined together, let man not separate" (Mark 10:9).  And I know that I am beholden to our God for the gift of marriage and children and for more happiness from them than I ever dared hope for, and I wish to honor Him with my marriage and family.

The burden of freedom is the misuse of freedom. The Bible puts it this way in Galatians 5:13, 15. You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love ... If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch or you will be destroyed by each other. Self-indulgence insinuates itself into freedom like bees at a picnic.

A woman sat in my office some years ago (again, no one here) and said to me, "You just don't understand what I've been through." She proceeded to tell a horrible story of what her ex-husband had done to her. I had not known her when she was married. She was an attractive, vivacious woman, and I could just imagine her being very much in love with the man she married. Now, she loathed him, and when she told me what he did to her, her loating made sense.

He seemed to think that being married gave him the freedom to treat that woman according to his whims without regard to her wishes. He would be gone from home for weeks at a time with no explanations. Her protests and repeated efforts to seek marriage counseling only provided interludes to his self-indulgent behavior. She came to fear for her life and fled the man and the marriage.

Why did her husband remain impervious to her pleas and the pleas of her family and some of their friends to stop treating his wife in such selfish ways? When she left, did he find another woman and treat her the same way? This indulgent behavior expresses what the Bible calls the sinful nature.

The great danger to our national freedom is that we may use to indulge ourselves. Some people around the world hate Americans, because they envy our freedom. Others hate us because of the way we use freedom to indulge ourselves.

Less than four years into my pastoral ministry, my in-laws told me the story of a young couple whom they knew. The couple had been married only a few years, and they had a newborn child. My wife's parents were distressed, because the young husband and father had left his wife and child. someone had asked him why, and he said, "I just don't want to be married anymore."

Feeling good validates for many people the goodness or authenticity of an event. In other words, the goodness (or the truth) of an event is to be found in a person's psychological state. "This is good" comes to mean nothing more than "I feel good."

This belief harms people. Children suffer, because their parents just did not want to be married any more. They opted out of marriage, because being married no longer made them feel good. And who in the public sector cares? Law and custom in our incomparably free society make it easier to end a marriage than to end a mortgage.

What I know is that the Scripturesays of marriage, What God has joined together, let man not separate (Mark 10:9). George Macdonald said one time, "There is infinite room for rebellion against ourselves," (C.S. Lewis, George Macdonald, An Anthology). Why not use our vaunted freedom to restrict our self-indulgence and to give ourselves away for the good of our spouses, regardless of the personal cost? Why not use our freedom to move heaven and earth to preserve God's intention for marriage?

The resources to help couples do this have never been more plentiful and more effective for even the most debilitating marital discord, if couples are willing. Many years ago, a man (not of this congregation) called me half a dozen times before he would tell me his name. He asked for nothing, but in each call his halting and subdued words told me of some unknown store of personal anguish.

Little by little, the story came out. He had been married for more than three decades. He was a man in his sixties. He was a Christian and a member of an outstanding evangelical church in our community. He had grown children. He was concerned that his wife was having an affair. He blamed himself. At last, during the sixth or seventh telephone conversation, he told me that he had been a practicing homosexual all his married life and had never told his wife until recently. She was devasated. She sough counsel and then comfort in the arms of another man. FInally, he told me his name and asked if he and his wife could come and talk to me.

I had never heard of Harvest ministries, because in those days it did not exist. Harvest "exists to bring the hope of recovery to those struggling with homosexuality, both in the gay community and within the church." It is one of several evangelical ministries that have been successful in helping homosexuals leave that lifestyle.

Could it have helped that man who came to me in desperation? It could. Would he have taken advantage of it? I hope so, but I don't know. It would depend on whether his faith had a persuasive place in his major life decisions.

When I had lunch with the man I spoke about before, I had never heard of Retrouvaille, because in those days it did not exist. Retrouvaille (which means "rediscovery") is a Christian ministry that began in Quebec as a Catholic program. They explain whom they can help this way. "If your marriage has become unloving and uncaring or if your relationship has grown cold and distant, if there is little or no meaningful communication or if you feel disappointment – even despair – then we believe Retrouvaille can help."

Could it have helped that man who talked to me over lunch about the coming end of his marriage? It could. Would he have taken advantage of it? I hope so, but I don't know. It would depend on whether his faith had a persuasive place in his major life decisions.

And what can I say about Marriage Encounter and PREP (the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) for couples? I could also connect you with competent, professional, Chrisitan help from the staff at Life Counseling, Pike Creek Psychological Association, Safe Harbor Counseling, and with Dr. Barbara Schaeffer in Chadd's Ford. And these are only a few of the resources that you can reach by a few minutes' drive from the BVBC parking lot.

I think BVBC has the finest preparation for marriage program in New Castle County. It gives young couples a jump-start on the most likely bumps in the road ahead and introduce them to some skills to deal with them. It does not guarantee good marriages. How could it do that? Good marriages come from within the souls of the two people who have to close the door and make it work for the next fifty years.

We have the resources, but where is our heart? When Christians engage unparalleled personal liberty with a faith that is marginal to their decision making, fragil relationships like marriage stand at great risk.

The Bible says of every voice inside and outside marriage that threatens these fragile relationships, You must not listen to the words of that prophet or dreamer. The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul (Deut. 13:3).

When it comes to marriage and family issues, "these are times that try men's souls." That is, they test our souls to see what stuff we are made of when the chips are down. The chips are down. A vision of life and freedom that differs sharply from the Christian vision of life and freedom is on offer in our culture. Just surf through whatever channels you can get on your TV, and this powerful medium presents that alternative vision twenty-four hours a day with relatively few challengees.

What I know is that the Scripture says of marriage, What God has joined together, let man not separate (Mark 10:9). And I know that I am beholden to my God for the gift of marriage and children and for more happiness from them than I ever dared hope for, and I wish to honor Him by my marriage and family, and I want you to do the same for the sake of Christ. Why not use our vaunted freedom to restrict our self-indulgence and to give ourselves away for the good of our spouse, regardless of the personal cost? Why not use our freedom to move heaven and earth to preserve God's intention for marriage?

What does God say to us, His people, in these difficult times? And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul (Deut. 10:12).

Great marriages are always a triangle of love. A man and a woman love each other not only for their own sakes but also for the sake of some shared and greater love. That shared love can seldom be work and (strange as it soiunds) cannot often be their children. The children, after all, grow up and leave. The Cavalier poet, Richard Lovelace, caught the idea i his powe, "To Lucasta: On Going to the Wars."

Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast, and quiet mind
To war and arms I fly.

True, a new mistress now I chase,
The first foe in the field;
And with a stronger faith embrace
A sword, a horse, a shield.

Yet this inconstancy is such
As you too shall adore;
I could not love thee, Dear, so much,
Loved I not honor more.

The problem with absorbing love in young lovers is that neither has much love for the other to absorb, and it gets absorbed pretty fast. If I love not honor or something else more, then I will not love thee, my dear, so much as I had planned or you had hoped. The great shared love that every married couple can access is to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

That does not mean that Christian marriages do not have their struggles. Let's purge our idealism of that perfectionist nonsense. Christians bring into marriage the same liabilities as anyone else and face the same temptations as anyone else. What separates Christians is there relationship to Jesus Christ. If we love him more than we love each other, then we will have a sufficient motive to work at our marriage and to seek help, if our problems stump us.

I cannot prove what I am about to say, so I offer it to you as a hunch. You have to test it for yourself. My hunch is that far too few people make an effort to understand what makes them tick as human beings. Knowing what makes us tick is, first and foremost, knowing what we really love. Tell me what you love, and I'll tell you where your treasure is. If it is in heaven, it will enrich your marriage, because your faith will have a voice at the table in the great decisions of yoru life, including your marriage.

So, what do you do about this sermon? If you are divorced what do you do with it? I think you acknowledge your failure to God and your responsibility in the failure, ask Him for forgiveness, make Christ the center of your life, and then get on with the rest of your life. I want BVBC to be there fore the rest of your life.

What if your marriage is rotten? You pass each other like silent ships in the night. You are waiting for the day when you need not do that. Acknowledging the failure and your responsibility for the failure to have a good marriage is a good place to start. Are you sure it is over? Marriages do rise from the dead. Do you know how powerful the resources are, which are at the church's disposal? Why not find out and go in the for the whole treatment. And put Christ at the center of your life. And I want BVBC to be there for the duration.

What if your marriage is less than satisfying right now? Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education has said what many others have confirmed. "Couples who stay madly in love disagree to the same degree as couples who divorce. The difference, they know how to handle it. This isn't about airing your problems. It's about learning strategies to stop the behaviors that got you into trouble in the first place," (cmfce@smartmarriages.com, "New rescues for couples on precipice, 2/8/2002). Don't give up. Do take advantage of the resources available. Do put Christ at the center of your life. I want BVBC to be there for the duration.

If you have a good marriage, don't take it for granted, as if you are somehow immune to terrible failure. Encourage it. Cherish it. Do put Christ at the center of your life, and I want BVBC to be there for the duration.