August 19, 2007
By the reckoning of some sports analysts and commentators, one of the most popular and fastest growing spectator sports is NASCAR. I must confess that I don't follow the sport but from my perspective it is possible that part of its populatrity comes from the inherent danger of racing. They drive at close to 200 mph and go into turns that are defined by concrete walls, literally inches behind, in front of, and beside other cars which are driving at the same break-neck speed – all within a fraction of an inch and a mph of being out of control. Ocasionally drivers lose their edge – they get out of control and the results are not pretty.

Turn on or read the news and you're bombarded with stories of when seemingly "ordinary people" lose control. A kid is picked on until he snaps and then he wreaks carnage at his school. Someone gets cutoff in traffic and he Dr. Jekyll's into road-rage. People lose control.

Then there are other every day flame outs, break downs, and bail outs. "How did that nice girl just up and leave her marriage/family?" "He looked so together, I never knew he was struggling with that kind of problem (addiction)." And there are many other variations of loss of control.

All of us struggle with the loss of control of our emotions or spending or schedules or diets or appetites; and many other desires that rage within us.

We need self-control. But self-control can seem ominous, even restrictive. It sounds out of step with a society that emphasizes instant gratification. But the Bible says that a life without self-control is an accident waiting to happen. That's why the writer of Proverbs wrote: Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control (Proverbs 25:28).

How do we develop self-control? Maybe a more urgent question is, what are we supposed to do with high pitched feelings and desires that push us to the edge of self-control or over?

Every person wrestles with at least one troublesome passion or desire or problem. And most of us struggle with several powerful desires. Things like eating disorders (and out-of-control eating), body image distortions, sexual addictions and pornography, substance abuse, gambling addictions, excessive caretaking, toxic relationships, relational isolation, relational control, religious addiction, religious legalism, workaholism, rage-aholism and many more!

How are we going to control those passions? One school of thought tells us to use raw will-power. The method looks like this. First, identify the problem passion in your life and impose rigid controls to make sure those desires never find expression; then, hold on! You try to over-power the passions by keeping the pressure on it. Keep the rigid controls – keep pushing down the desires with will-power. In this approach, "success" in controlling passions resides solely in the will. We'll call this approach "will-worship" because it acknowledges that the source of deliverance and power resides solely in the will. Many people take this approach – even Christians – because it seems right.

The Bible does speak of making choices, but it also warns us against trying to attain your goal [of change/maturity] by human effort (Galatians 3:3). Call it the "pray and press method." Control your desire by sheer will-power; just pray and press it down.

This method is the stuff of "New Year's Resolutions." Some of you have been using this method for a long time! The real question is, how's it working for you?

Picture the method this way: imagine standing in a swimming pool and you're trying to hold a fully inflated beach ball under water for 8 hours at all costs. How do you think you'd do? Could you do it and if so, for how long? How would you feel while doing it?

I have to admit that for me it would present an exhausting challenge that would take all the energy and ingenuity I could muster. But just one slip and it would come rushing to the surface. Many of you have been trying for years to submerge fully inflated desires through will-power. And you do fine for a time. But eventually you get tired or slip or get distracted or your will-power collapses and the desires explode to the surface. It "pops out" either in full-blown expression or in coping/defense mechanisms (repression, suppression, depression [lots of "pressing!"]; or regression, aggression, passive aggression; or rationalizations, fixations, sublimations, devaluations, reaction formations, etc.) Then the emotions short-circuit and there are eating binges or spending sprees or rage attacks or ethical misfires and all other kinds of acting out. After that comes the guilt, shame, and fear of judgment and punishment. Then, after a bit, the person says, "This time I really mean it! I'm going to overpower this desire and keep the ball under water if it's the last thing I do!" And the only real question is, how long will your energy last this time?

The Will-Power Approach has only limited success. The Apostle Paul knew about it when he wrote, I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (Romans 7:15).

But there's another approach, an approach that I think better represents a truly biblical approach to self-control and dealing with dangerous desires. It is a model which allows for a more complete integration of who we are. Jesus said that we are to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind (Matthew 22:37). The first model says, "The mind (choosing) is the key! With your will-power, make right choices." But if our hearts conflict with our minds, we usually do what our hearts want! God confronts this "split" in us: These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me (Matthew 15:8). We've got to learn to will as a whole person.

What do we do with the beach ball? We deflate it. Let's look at some steps in dealing with dangerous desires.

The first step is to "externalize." God is all about truth, and that includes the truth about you. But what is the truth about you? What are you really feeling? What trips you up? What is your particular problem? Is it overspending or overeating or overworking or excessive caretaking or trying to control people or anger outbursts or sexual temptation? What is it?

Begin to identify the problem and then get it out into the light! It is true that "we are only as sick as our secrets." Then admit your problem to yourself and another safe and wise person. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed (James 5:16).

Confession gets us in touch with the reality (truth) of who we are, and connects that reality with God, others, and the healing process. Note – this doesn't mean it doesn't get messy or hard.

Then start to "analyze." Discover what is at the root of that troublesome desire. Begin a process of going deeper both spiritually and emotionally. "Where is my inner brokenness that makes me susceptible to this destructive behavior?" Our emotions say, "If you won't pay attention to me then just numb me (with food, drink, drugs, excitement, relationships, fun-fixes, even get busy with church activities!)." But the million dollar question is, "Why do I do this?" What is going on in your heart? Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).

So rather than simply say, "I've got to overpower and submerge my tendency to 'fill-in-the-blank,'" why not say instead, "I'll take some time and effort to understand what it is that overfills my heart with a 'fill-in-the-blank' that gets triggered so easily."

The first approach says, "Get control of it and keep it under wraps." The second approach says, "Why not sit down with somebody – a trusted, safe, wise friend [or a counselor or pastor] and say, 'I need to open up my heart and get at the root of what's driving me.'" Usually, mere understanding tends to deflate the beach ball and makes dealing with the desire easier.

As you have probably figured out, this can and usually does take some hard work. Usually it gets worse before it gets better! But it is the path to healing and growth.

People eat or try to control people or act out, etc., for many reasons. When you attack the root, it causes those highly charged passions to begin to lose their power, and control becomes more possible.

Is it time that you sat down with someone else and externalized your problem and began to analyze what is going on and why?

The third step is to "strategize." This is the part that most of us skip to! Here we implement practical behaviors, strategies, safeguards to avoid troublesome or tempting environments (places) and associations (people). It is making "life management decisions" to avoid personal temptation. In Proverbs 5:8 we read about the "temptress," Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house. There is a broader application to all "temptations." Tempting associations and environments must be avoided if you're serious about developing self-control. Paul wrote, Do not be misled [don't fool yourself!]: Bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33). Steering clear of situations that stir up those desires will help to further deflate the ball.

Also, be aware of times when you're more susceptible to act out. Recognize H.A.L.T. (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired). Learn to "HALT" when you experience one of these sensations.

On the flip side, healthy environments and honest, encouraging relationships contribute to the development of self-control.

What environment do you need to avoid to help deflate the ball? What associations do you need to break off [at least for a time] as you are developing self-control? What relationships do you need?

The goal is to grow to the place where we will and want the same thing. So remember, God is in the process with us – helping us to get to that place.